Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
