I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
