i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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