I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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