Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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