My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
