What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
