alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
