And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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