I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
