I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
