so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
