im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
