He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
