She's never allowed to turn 21 again
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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