I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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