His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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