My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
