Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
worst night to have a conscience
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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