i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
