but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
