Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
