How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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