how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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