he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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