You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
