oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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