Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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