The maid of honor just puked.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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