New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
