I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
