Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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