my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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