i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
