My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
