apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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