whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
