Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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