At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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