I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
