Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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