Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
