see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
