Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize