I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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