My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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