if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
