I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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