I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
