I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
