My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
