I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
