I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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