He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
